We as a society are coming up on one of the most divisive times of year, if we haven’t reached it already: the dawn of sweater weather. On one side are the warm weather lovers; the sun princesses, beach boys, and school-haters. On the other side are the boot-wearing, pumpkin spice latte-drinking, Halloween-loving maniacs who spend December through August waiting for the leaves to turn brown and the air to turn borderline painful in its icy aggression.
Ladies and gentlemen, our time is now.
Look, I know that a lot of people hate autumn. I feel bad for those people. I feel bad that you’re missing the greatest time of year, so I wanted to make a list of why fall rocks my [warm, knitted-by-Grandma] socks. If you already love fall, consider this your seasonal pump up. Like those Husker videos my sister keeps crying over for some reason.
- The sun goes away. The waning of summer also means the waning of sunlight. The days become shorter and nights become longer and, frankly, daylight savings is a gift. For those of us who get a sunburn just thinking about UV rays, this time of year is a godsend.
- Shorts become pants. Listen. I’m lazy, and I don’t believe in arbitrary fashion conventions. Consequently, I shave my legs, like, every 3 weeks. In the summer. But now that fall is approaching, that number will be more like every three months. Two years ago I accidentally did No Shave November, except I started it in October and didn’t shave again until prom. But now that the weather necessitates long pants, no one has to know. And I think that’s a relief for all of us, because I know I’m not the only one.
- Layering doesn’t kill you. On the subject of fashion, it’s time for sweater weather. The coziest and comfiest clothes in our wardrobes can finally be worn without risking death by heat stroke. We can throw cardigans and flannels over our tank tops with abandon. I can finally look sort of fashionable again.
- Pumpkin. Spice. Everything. I think pumpkin spice is going out of style now and we’re supposed to be ashamed for liking it, but I do not care. And neither should you. Pumpkin spice flavor is delicious. It makes a good latte a great latte. It’s the best limited edition Oreo flavor. I had pumpkin spice ice cream once and I still dream about it. Look, it doesn’t matter how “basic” pumpkin spice is, unless “basic” is an acronym for “bitchin’ and seriously incredible concoction” because then it’s an extremely accurate acronym and we should all embrace it. It only comes once a year.
- Football, I guess? If you’re into that, it’s happening. Touchdown. Home run. Throw those flags.
- All the best holidays. We are rapidly approaching the best celebrations of the year. Dress up like a monster on Halloween. Eat an irresponsible amount of mashed potatoes and cranberry apple crisp on Thanksgiving. Do a dramatic reenactment of Martin Luther posting his 95 Theses on Reformation Day.
Frankly, if you’re not thrilled about autumn by now, there’s no hope for you. You might want to get checked for seasonal affective disorder. In the meantime, I have some new investments to see to.