Objectively speaking, laws are generally good. They discourage people from doing bad things and give us a way to punish people when they do those bad things anyway. On the other hand, there are some really stupid laws– honestly, why do we even have speed limits? Overall, I feel like we as a country and world could do with fewer laws, but to go through all the rules I think we should get rid of would take much more time and energy than I have at any given point in time. So instead, I want to tackle a smaller issue: laws we don’t have and need.
- Requiring a license to have children. Why does it make sense to require a license to own a dog, but not to create an entire new human being? That’s right. It doesn’t.
- Giving me, Rachel Schollaert, the right to confiscate and destroy the driver’s license of anyone that I, Rachel Schollaert, determine doesn’t deserve it. And I won’t be lenient, either. I am facing serious stress-related health problems based solely on my road rage, and I will no longer stand for people who don’t use their damn blinkers.
- Jail time for littering. I’m willing to spend as much of your tax money as it takes to increase surveillance and throw these jokers in prison. We already have 22% of the prisoners in the entire world. Why not push for 30%?
- Stop making middle schoolers read Hatchet. I don’t know how widespread of a problem this is but it’s a garbage book and anywhere from 40 to 60 percent of the reason so many kids don’t like reading.
- Giving dogs the same rights as humans. They’re better than us anyway. If anything, they deserve more rights than people.
- Putting a cap on the number of social media updates one can post in a day. This is kind of the post-modern version of the “having the right to swing your fist until it hits someone else” idea. A few updates per day is you swinging a fist. More than a few is the equivalent of punching your followers in the face with personal details of your life.
- Taking the calories out of doughnuts. Listen, science. You’ve put men on the moon and 3D printed working organs. Don’t try to tell me you can’t extract calories from delicious foods without making them less delicious.
- Banning college students from talking about their caffeine addictions. Guess what? WE’RE ALL ADDICTED TO CAFFEINE. THIS IS ADULTHOOD.
Actually, now that I’m thinking about it, I think maybe we just need one new law. One that puts me in charge of everything. I’ll be taking bets on how long it takes for society to collapse. Odds are 3:1 that it happens in less than a week.
Also I found this really funny picture on the internet that I wanted to share with you guys.