Lately I’ve been trying new things. Not as a super belated New Year’s Resolution or because someone dared me to, but because my life is currently in the “my week was ruined when my family watched the Outlander season premiere without me because that was literally all I had planned to do in that seven-day window” stage. You know the one.

The first new experience I pursued was kombucha. For those of you unfamiliar with it, kombucha is a fermented tea drink that  75% of Whole Foods patrons will tell you has health benefits ranging from “sick” to “far out.” I’d always been curious, but reluctant to buy an entire bottle because it’s a fermented tea drink. Finally I gave in when my mom agreed to pay for it and selected a raspberry lemon flavor on the advice of one older and wiser than I.

At the checkout, the cashier asked if we would like it left out and I said sure, because what better place to try something new and potentially life-altering than in the middle of a grocery store? So I opened it, sniffed it, flinched a little, and then tasted it.

When I first tried it, I described the flavor so spot-on accurately (and poetically) that I could’ve won a Pulitzer Prize. Unfortunately, in the ensuing PTSD, I forgot what those words were. So, just now, I got the bottle of kombucha that’s been taunting me for the last two weeks from the top shelf of the refrigerator and drank some more.

The words, I believe, having come back to me with this fresh hell, were something like “If you mixed acid and beer with dirt and then lied about it being raspberry lemon flavored.” So not only did I drink something that abhorrently nauseating, but I also drank it again for the purpose of properly informing my readers about the danger of kombucha. You’re welcome.

So that’s what you call it.

The next new thing I tried has a confusingly similar name, and it is called horchata. Horchata is a beverage traditionally made from various nuts or grains. This particular version was a “traditional horchata smoothie” flavored with almond and cinnamon and yogurt-based. What could go wrong? I asked myself. It’s yogurt, almond, and cinnamon!


It was not as soul-killing as the kombucha, it deserves that much credit. I wouldn’t even call it bad, it’s just weird and tastes confusingly like Christmas and the parts of Halloween that the Amish probably celebrate. I opened it up again for the sake of this blog, but I’m able to continue drinking it without feeling like some mushroom slime monster is growing in my stomach as a result. (That was a dig at the kombucha, if you didn’t catch it.)

I guess the primary difference is that the horchata will probably grow on me the more I drink it. The kombucha, on the other hand, will seem that way, and then I take another sip and want to die.

As far as non-food related adventures, I have had a few. The other day I tried going to work without any makeup on. Everyone just asked why I was so tired. I’m also trying out a college lab, but that was less for my own entertainment and edification and more to get college credits that would transfer– interestingly enough, not a lot of universities know what to do with your color theory credit besides shrug and say, “Elective, I guess?”

Anyway, the lab is going terribly. That probably doesn’t come as a surprise to anyone who has any familiarity with my academic record, but in case you don’t, let me fill you in: I abstained from taking any math and science classes my senior year of high school with celebration and fervor, and then started college at art school, where math and science don’t exist outside of the architecture program. The best grades I got in chemistry were on the lab write-ups. I kept myself entertained in biology by imagining how I could apply Punnet squares and RNA to a sci fi novel.

Pictured: the beginning and end of my interest in science.


Basically I refuse to read the book beyond what it takes to complete the assignments and 90% of my time working on the labs is me reminding the lab manual in rapidly escalating tones that I neither know nor care about the answers to its questions. I’m thinking of turning it into a performance piece.

Despite the disappointment of my recent experiments, I remain hopeful that future endeavors will be more rewarding. For example, I have tickets now to see the Book of Mormon in June, which I have never seen, but I’m pretty confident I’ll enjoy it. Stay tuned, because there’s a 40% chance I’ll write a blog about it.


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